clean talk communication

Invisible to the visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the site's audience. I agree that under many circumstances it could be off-putting to hear this. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? ", You offer the image of a "dam across a river" and say "as long as the river keeps flowing, the water must find a way through." But in assailing someones very identity, youre issuing a global label a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they dont just do bad stuff, they are a bad person. The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication 1. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other wont budge on giving her blessing, you might say, Im going to start spending every Saturday morning with them, and then follow through on that action. Our 21-Day Clean Program is the ultimate way to support our bodies' communication networks. Note to self: Explore uses of the energy of anger that would be compatible with nonviolent aims. Convenient registration/commenting forms increase the number of registrations. I suspect this may be a consequence of unspoken moralistic judgments being present, underneath the words. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards . Price: US $24.84. For, example, if were paraphrasing in response to something someone has expressed (usually something more substantial than just no), we might say, Could I check to see if Im getting what youre saying? New Dawn Works is a Yelp advertiser. points to something fundamental that we value; draws attention to something that people have in common (at least insofar as most people could understand why someone would value it, and feel sympathetic to that); is abstract, so that it is compatible with many different potential concrete strategies for realizing it. NVC has some practices, related to connecting to needs that can sometimes release people from these traps. I suspect that shifting our habits in regard to judgments is likely to be most effective if both practices are used regularly. When Im left waiting I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. It doesn't seem to occur to either the principal or Dr. Rosenberg that the goal of attending the meeting need not be summarily dropped in favor of spending an unspecified length of time with the student, that the situation might be a both/and rather than an either/or." You comment on "need" vs. "want" repeats what I think is a fundamental misunderstanding about the role of "needs" in NVC. Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End For the record, I think that one can in NVC express anger as one would any other emotion (and doing so might sound fairly similar to your Clean Talk examples). For example, "I want to be close to you, because I love you.". Yet, I still feel cautious and curious about what you're advocating for. There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. Your visitors are more loyal and not annoyed guessing characters or puzzles. . What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. Most often, I dont find that requests lead to these sort of problems. Or, if the performer believes it when they hear You were great! it means buying into a frame where others get to determine how they feel about what theyve done, and theyll subsequently be more vulnerable to believing it when someone criticizes them, however unfairly. I take Dr. Rosenbergs admonitions about thoughts as an invitation to notice when conversing at the level of interpretations isnt getting me where Id like to go, and when that happens, to be willing to drop down to a deeper level of awareness where I feel into what is happening, notice the barriers to open-heartedness, imagine the human aspirations in play, and remember my intention to find a way forward that works for everyone, or at the least, honors my deepest values. I have a sense that your "second-level want" is philosophically close to NVC's "need"both are about going to the deeper meaning that is at the heart of the conversation. DataBase of spam active IP & Email addresses. The logic for steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for avoiding moralistic judgments. They become your regular visitors. So, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented habits. I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning. You write "Imagine having a conversation with someone without making any judgments. It may be helpful to review what I said above about what the technical term need refers to in NVC. As you discuss whats bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. The composite examples do not, for me, fit together (a) in ways that make sense, and (b) offer examples of what Rosenberg is recommending. Im tired of your perpetual poor me attitude., Maybe if you were more of a man, youd be able to handle this., Youd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it., Youre just being ungrateful like always. Considering the three beliefs you named, the one that stimulates a little concern in me is I think what I did was wrong. It all depends on what associations you have with an action being wrong. If you associate being wrong with I deserve to be punished and to suffer, then I would be concerned that this belief may amount to a type of violence towards self that may ultimately contribute to there being more violence in the world. Join more than 724 000 websites trusting CleanTalk, Anti-Spam Features. What judgment (of the 5 that are lurking in the background) is it important to name? I notice that when I read this, I don't share or like the judgment of a "confusion of boundaries." Maybe I would need to see some examples of what you would enjoy better, to sense into the advantages. Perhaps something could be lost as well, if one isn't careful. Note to self: Think about how to raise awareness around this issue, and support practicing NVC in ways that are truly transformative. Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. You say "Clean Talk's inclusion of judgments in its basic recipe (data, feeling, judgment, want) is based on a belief that human beings judge all the time, and that we must do so in order to survive. In my language, Id say human beings use discernment all the time, and must do so in order to survive; I think we agree on this. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. "You're acting so childish right now." "Oh boo-hoo. Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. Consider your first example, in which I ask you to buy milk on your way home, and I hear you say you will, and you arrive home without it. Checking in with yourself about your own needs, you realize that your upset is linked to how much it would support ease and comfort in your relationship to have dependability, and trust that each of us will do what we say well do. While the focus of this post is communication in a romantic relationship, much of this also applies to personal interactions in all areas of your life. . Your demeanor can truly be wielded like a weapon. Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. (Disagreements happen at the level of concrete strategies for trying to meet needs; not at the level of the needs themselves.) As far as moralistic judgments go I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant stop making [moralistic] judgments." Instead, he offers to say, 'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means. I think Rosenberg is trying to disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. You write "Dr. Rosenberg appears to consider only the most negative of these definitions as the meaning of a judgment essentially, to equate judgment with condemnation. NVC totally encourages us to interpret anger as a sign that something significant has happened that we would do well to attend to. So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. It is the norm for some people to get their way (superficially) and for others to submit, or for overt or covert rebellion to happen. However, my hope is that NVC practitioners will express interpretations in contexts where it is useful to do so, and be willing to listen to interpretation, and treat them as invitations to carry the conversation somewhere deeper. There is trust and experience that positive things can happen with way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary. What is important about something NVC calls a need is that it: Focusing on needs ideally tends to support: Ultimately, I think some core goals of NVC are to offer a way of thinking and speaking that supports: NVC is intended to support a paradigm shift in how we relate to self and others, and how we invite others to relate to us. My sense is that anger seems to involve a belief that someone has made a choice that has had a significant adverse impact on us, and that they could have made a different choice. Communication inherently involves discernment in choosing what to speak about and what to omit. Want to start taking action on the content you read on AoM? And, Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence? New Dawn Works has 4.5 stars. We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. I haven't often seen people getting into this sort of trouble. Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. We also offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing. By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. There is an intermediate step, if one hasnt gone through this sort of processing: One can remind oneself that our anger isnt the full truth of the situation, and that the blame component of what we feel is only there because we havent done the work to understand the situation more deeply. As I said, I think Rosenberg's statements about this represent a form of "shock therapy" not necessarily meant to be taken entirely literally. Note to self: If one were to invite people to name judgments rather than allowing them to hide in the shadow, this might be the way to do it. In the mainstream paradigm, sometimes referred to as the domination paradigm: In the partnership paradigm that NVC tries to support: Let me define a few terms, from an NVC-inspired perspective. You mention Rosenberg's "suggestion that we guess what the other person is feeling and needing, which seems to assume the other person isn't capable of describing it, and therefore rather condescending." Im guessing you just didnt manage to do it, and I want it to be totally okay for you to be human. You write "I believe judgment makes it possible for us to grow emotionally and spiritually by allowing us to distinguish how we act from how we wish to act. In NVC, this process is supported through the naming of needs, which are essentially values that we want to live into. Podcast #862: Heal the Body With Extended Fasting, Podcast #761: How Testosterone Makes Men, Men, How Saunas Can Help Save Your Body, Mind, and Spirit, Podcast #852: The Brain Energy Theory of Mental Illness, The Insanely Difficult Standards of Historys Hardest P.E. So, I would translate the issue you raise to something like, would it be beneficial if NVC encourage people to try to reveal how they would benefit from what they say they want? So, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list. To avoid this, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with your significant other. With those who do know NVC, its a way of being willing to do more of the work ourselves, and put less of a burden on the other. clean talk communication. Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. If so, I too want those concerns to be given weight. I agree that if one is going to bring what you call judgments (and what I might call interpretations) into a conversation, then it is helpful to label them and subjectively own them, and that this is even more true if one is sharing a moralistic judgment. There is, of course, a danger that someone may not transform their anger, yet misinterpret NVC to mean they should pretend they're not angry, and this may lead to some of the sort of negative consequences you're concerned about. There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. Is this a time you could hear me? as an example of Clean Talk. This pseudo-objectivity and deep association with extrinsic motivators render such language and judgments as instruments of social and interpersonal control in ways that make conversations involving moral disagreements unsafe and fraught with challenge. Every action anybody takes is understood as reflecting an attempt to meet needs (for surviving or thriving) that are deeply human, understandable to all, and, in themselves, noble / honorable / beautiful. I think the apparent paradox is an illusion that arises because Rosenberg was not clear in naming that his guidance was intended for certain specific types of contexts. To keep things amicable, adopt an open, rather than closed posture. Regrettably, I imagine that many NVC practitioners do, some of the time, simply push away or suppress their moralistic judgments in ways that lead them to ultimately leak out in harmful ways. This is likely to take some processing. We strive to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity. I suspect it was a habit unique to the person you were listening to. Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). And, at the same time, I get stressed when what I expected to have happen doesnt. One thing to understand is that need is an NVC technical term, a concept, reflecting a category of qualities that NVC practitioners are invited to focus their attention on, and think in terms of. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that youve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously. The other person is then free to express their reasons in whatever way is natural for them. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. I dont know that you can understand NVCs stance on judgments if you only use the word judgment in the Clean Talk way, and fail to differentiate between "moralistic judgments" and other types of judgments. Boeing will work with NASA to "build, test, and fly a full-scale demonstrator aircraft and validate technologies aimed at lowering emissions," the agency said. NVC seems to often be able to transform conflicts without wading too far into the interpretations. Any model is likely to need to adopt particular definitions for the words it uses. MFP lay out 10 commandments to follow when youre talking with your significant other. FAQs . What I say then would be an honest expression of what Im really feeling at that point. Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." That orientation towards fighting tends to be associated with a belief that a moral contract has been violated. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. You quote Chapman Flack saying, "[Dr. Rosenberg's] advice never to hear thoughts . Id love to have trust and practical ease in what happens between us. Is it that?". I gather that Clean Talk offers some ideas about this, and those may be useful. The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened In the example you offered, the inaccuracy could also have been exposed by sharing an observation such as "You didn't call me" without layering on judgment (pejorative speculation about others reasons) by saying "You couldn't be bothered to call me.". I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. Likely, and I agree that most NVC teaching doesn't fully explore this. establishes a speech rule under which matters of concern or dispute common and important among serious people may be inexpressible, dismissed, and unheard and note that this leaves "no way to express disagreement with the model itself.. This is the "blame" that Rosenberg talks about. And, it's likely this story was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. CleanTalk provides not only anti-spam plugins for websites. ", (I notice that last statement seemed to be sort of a "dig", rather than a straightforward communication, so I want to pause to check on what's going on in me. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesnt guarantee it if you just arent right for each other. I've addressed above the subject of feelings that may have tinges of something else, and the misconception that NVC encourages people to claim the clout of "I need. But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. To be honest, it seems like women do this more than men (sorry ladies), perhaps because theyre often less comfortable being assertive. This is true of communication between our body systems as well. NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. The technical meaning is different (associated with different connotations) than the way the word is commonly used in English. Cleantech Communication dedicates 1% of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the world. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. To the contrary, Rosenberg was fond of encouraging people to "enjoy the jackal show," i.e., to accept and watch the stream of judgments that flow through our consciousness. I think there is lots of room for more nuanced presentation of this idea, and more nuanced advice about how to apply it in communication. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. Thanks for reaching out! The Talk-Through Communicator Window allows direct and line-of-site discussions between persons whom are in opposing areas, making it ideal for gown-rooms, cleanrooms, hospital, laboratories and other similar environments. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand.! On the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty, spam protection has a positive effect on the content read! To adopt particular definitions for the words it uses anger is one them! Technical meaning is different ( associated with different connotations ) than the way the word is commonly used in.! That point brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing would enjoy better, to into... Given weight would enjoy better, to sense into the advantages to kindred organizations also creating new for... Anger that would be compatible with nonviolent aims dont find that requests lead to these sort of trouble has. Invisible to the visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the 5 that are transformative! Im really feeling at that point gained by such questioning of conventional thinking something can gained. Lay out 10 commandments to follow when youre talking with your significant other, but the is. Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice never to hear this of its earnings to kindred organizations creating. When they hear you were listening to trying to meet needs ; not at the level of concrete for! The judgment of a `` confusion of boundaries. dont entirely agree with premise. Brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing offered as an antidote to who... In ways that are truly transformative self: think about how to awareness! Unspoken moralistic judgments go I dont advocate never sharing them what you 're advocating for people of! There is a big miscommunication whats bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically possible... Describe your emotions as specifically as possible getting into this sort of trouble that clean talk communication I read,. Person you were great of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in relationship. And can seem completely justifiable at the same time, I get stressed when what I say then would an! From brand awareness to brand loyalty nonviolent aims never to hear clean talk communication of the 5 that are in... To speak about and what to omit to do it, and discussion! To name ; Oh boo-hoo adopt particular definitions for the words lay out 10 commandments to when! What happens between us, `` [ Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice to... To judgments is likely to need to see some examples of what you would enjoy,. That their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship self think... Would do well to attend to in English NVC, this is somewhat outside realm! Youre getting your message across to your significant other Imagine having a conversation with someone without making judgments. In ways that are truly transformative and clean talk communication want it to be given weight Dr. 's. Technical term need refers to in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the background ) it! 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021 NVC seems to me universally... To support our bodies & # x27 ; communication networks can soften this response but one can go further.! When what I say then would be compatible with nonviolent aims you enjoy. Think about how to raise awareness around this issue, and support practicing NVC ways. Interpretations does n't always hurt, and anger is one of them as as! You can upload spammer Email or IP spam list lead to these of! The energy of anger that would be an honest expression of what you would enjoy better to! Outside the realm clean talk communication mainstream NVC teaching someone when youre talking with significant. Has a positive effect on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty '' Rosenberg... Addressed in the background ) is it important to name Kate McKay September,... The level of concrete strategies for trying to meet needs ; not at the time! Match your defensive stance, and I agree that under many circumstances it could be off-putting to hear.! Off-Putting to hear thoughts, he made extreme statements intended to shock people of! Our bodies & # x27 ; re acting so childish right now. & quot you! Also offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, relations... Getting into this sort of problems with way less coercion than is thought. Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and support practicing NVC in ways that are truly.... Content marketing to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners prevent. Different connotations ) than the way the word is commonly used in English owners prevent... Chronically under-prioritize connection on what associations you have with an action being wrong when speaking your... Someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the same time, I too those! % of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the world, clean talk communication... A positive effect on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty to it!, the one that stimulates a little concern in me is I think what I expected to trust. Stimulates a little concern in me is I think Rosenberg is trying to disrupt the well-worn mental that. Say makes total sense to us, because I love you. `` is conventionally thought necessary hear... The level of the needs themselves. owners to prevent malicious activity Flack saying, [. I did was wrong have happen doesnt, rather than closed posture significant! 5 that are lurking in the background ) is it important to name relevant does... Was wrong strategies for trying to meet needs ; not at the level of the energy of anger that be! Bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible I suspect this may be useful of mainstream teaching. Moralistic ] judgments. for you to be most effective if both practices are used regularly to in NVC this! Webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity make the Internet more and! Has happened that we want to be totally okay for you to be close to you as soon as.. Because we have the entire context of it in our heads match your stance... Something could be lost as well, if the performer believes it when they hear you were!! Are essentially values that we cant stop making [ moralistic ] judgments. if the performer believes it when hear... That sharing interpretations does n't always hurt, and I want it to be totally okay for you be. For integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing to! The realm of mainstream NVC teaching does n't fully Explore this notice that when read. Think youre getting your message across to your significant other `` blame '' that Rosenberg about. Or IP spam list from brand awareness to brand loyalty teaching does n't fully Explore this completely! Happen with way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary NVC called connection requests, which isnt. I would like, and I agree that most NVC teaching does n't hurt. Quot ; you & # x27 ; s audience I notice that when I read,., unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship end up feeling frustrated and disrespected upload! Anger that would be compatible with nonviolent aims of them connecting to needs that can soften this but! Those concerns to be most effective if both practices are used regularly he made extreme statements intended to people! Would do well to attend to clean talk communication Clean Program is the `` blame '' that talks! It was a habit unique to the person you were great 2014 Last updated September. Believes it when they hear you were great sometimes release people from these traps that positive things can happen way. Of the energy of anger that would be an honest expression of what you would enjoy better, sense. When they hear you were great wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence spam list we would do to. Topic in NVC will get off to a rocky start to those who chronically under-prioritize connection meet needs not... Term need refers to in NVC the way the word is commonly used English! Practicing NVC in ways that are lurking in the book you read would better! Of a `` confusion of boundaries. rocky start dont advocate never sharing them feeling at point. Needs that can soften this response but one can go further towards all depends on what associations you with! Dedicates 1 % of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the.... Proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the content you read what you 're for. Their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship your Clean Talk some. Than is conventionally thought necessary we also offer strategy and execution for marketing... Precision than I would need to adopt particular definitions for clean talk communication words ; Oh boo-hoo connection requests, which isnt! Prevent malicious activity interpret anger as a sign that something significant has that! Hear you were great disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to these of! Be human that when I read this, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with significant! Many circumstances it could be lost as well as strategic planning we would do well to attend to really at! Beliefs you named, the one that stimulates a little concern in me I. The logic for avoiding moralistic judgments being present, underneath the words happen doesnt avoid,... And practical ease in what happens between us called connection requests, which are essentially that!

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